My Sex-Pozzy Memoirs

Ever wonder how I ended up in this dominatrix outfit?

My first piece for  the feminist publishing site, 4W, is up: 4w.pub/sex-pos-memoirs/ I originally wrote it by hand, in a notebook, while staying in Bydgosczc, Poland. It was hard to write, but hopefully not quite as hard to read. At an estimated 18-minute read, it’s like a novel by Internet standards.

Author: Nina Paley

Animator. Director. Artist. Scapegoat.

3 thoughts on “My Sex-Pozzy Memoirs”

  1. That was a lovely read Nina. As usual, your insight and thoughtfulness are always on the menu. In some ways I had the same young adulthood as you, but in some ways not. I never did ANY of the “kink” stuff, it was all just super boring to me, “tacky” I used to call it. And I never knew the words “radical feminism” or “sex-pos” 35 years ago. I knew dominatrixes, and I despised them, specially the one dating my sister; and I despised the lie of transsexualism; and I despised the monogamy pairing institution that is patriarchy.
    I think my experience of casual sex was a little different than others’ because I came from a young/new hippy culture (rather than a professional hippy culture like San Fran); where I’m from, in Québec, the casual approach to sex was all very innocent and “make love not war”. We’d have love-making sessions that lasted three days, and never see each other again, and that is perfect for me.
    I’ve never had a “mate” that would have sexual expectations of me. That would be horrible to me. I always had sex on MY terms. Was I selfish that way? sure. Did men want to marry such an independent uncompromising, selfish woman? of course not, and that’s exactly the way I wanted it, and still do.
    Lifelong monogamy is a patriarchal invention that ensured females reproduced like rabbits. It’s the principal function of couple life, and is practically non existent in nature, specially among mammals.
    I still don’t believe anything’s “sacred”.
    But, where my views on casual sex over the years has changed, is in trying to practice my own form of casual sex with males from other cultures. THAT’s when it REALLY fell flat, because those males had no cultural experience with independent females. “Healthy” casual sex ONLY works within a very innocent context where males allow females a certain value equality, and where females uniformly demand value equality, and that time has most certainly come and gone. I don’t think what I experienced could be recreated in this hyper-connected-pornified internet world.
    Back then, I tried “special” massages, for two years. I quickly came to despise my customers, they were truly gross. Indeed, no, “I like sex” does NOT translate to “I like sex work”.
    So I called those days “universal love”, I leaned bisexual, and so did all my friends. Of those, the bisexual women all married men, the bisexual men all were gay, my lesbian friend entourage shrank away, most don’t say the word anymore, in french they say “je suis aux femmes” (I’m to women).
    I really wish the innocence of “make love not war” had stayed with us. Sadly, that is a bygone era.
    I will never invest my life or give my life to another human.
    I think it most useful to watch the various ways other large mammals deal with life. Elephants in female prides, wolves in temporary monogamous alfa-reproducing packs, bears going it solo, the ape world is mostly extremely male dominated and polygamous, but male apes are MUCH larger than female apes. In humans, the size difference between male and female is one of the teensiest among large mammals, and this speaks to our biological reality of NOT spending our life with a dominant partner. The constant questioning of humans leads biology astray.
    You mention repressive education, those lead to increased rapes and lack of comfort with ourselves, our bodies, increased rates of childhood pregnancies. I wish we could find a just middle with sex ed. I never received sex ed in school. But I myself was the noontime sex-ed teacher in high school among my peers, cuz I’d read all biological stuff pertaining to sex. In those days, my female friends still thought babies could be made just by sleeping next to each other. School sex ed should most definitely NOT be a lesson in HOW to “do” sex, but instead should focus on pros and cons of sex done in healthy and unhealthy ways. Of course, what is “healthy” is a judgement call, but by allowing for a mathematical approach to STDs, PTSD, rape, pregnancy, we can convey information with less judgement. Sadly, nowadays, schools are teaching HOW to have sex, rather than the consequences of sex. In Canada, activists from the disabled community are airing frustrations that sex ed fails to teach disabled people how to have sex. They say sex ed in Canada is “ableist”. Eye roll.
    But here we find ourselves, menopausing, living in a patriarchal world entirely conceived for “couples” life, and those of us who live outside the couples model do not “fit”. Do I regret it, no, as you say it made us who we are. Critical, with experience. I never wanted to “fit” anyway. Did I realize it would be so challenging, no I didn’t. But is anyone ever prepared for life? I think not. We either walk in a parents’ shoes, or we step away.
    So thanks again for your wonderful text. Hopefully it reaches young ears, and helps youth think critically unto their choices. We were raised in a time when we thought women could do/be anything. The new millennium has been a cold shower for women.

  2. That was swell, Nina!

    I especially loved this: “The more something is owned, the less alive it is.” It goes well with my saying that my “religion” has one commandment: thou shalt not make theology.

  3. Impressive. Thank you very much for sharing, I think your reflections are very interesting… and you are very brave to open up like that.
    The best thing I can say about it is… I forwarded the article to my teen daughter. I am afraid she will have a hard time really understanding it all with her limited life experience, but I hope she will have it in hand when she needs it / is ready for it.

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